Are You Raising One of the Next Generation of Hoodlums: Teach Good Decision-Making Skills
One of the most powerful ways you can encourage your son to become successful, happy and a contributing member of society is to teach him good decision-making skills, and then to allow him to make his own decisions. The decisions that your son makes as he approaches adulthood dictate the person he becomes and the life path he chooses. Unfortunately, popular culture has different ideas about your son’s decision-making. Popular culture wants to make your son’s decisions for him: what he wears, what he eats and drinks, what television and movies he watches, what video games he plays and the music to which he listens.
Don’t misunderstand my position. Your son will do stupid things. Making poor decisions and experiencing the consequences helps your child learn how to make better decisions in the future. A problem arises, however, if his poor decision-making continues. Because decision-making is a skill, your son can become very good at making bad decisions. This usually occurs when parents don’t hold the child responsible for his poor decisions, but instead, keep bailing him out of the trouble his bad decision brings. By doing this, your child learns that he isn’t responsible for his decisions and can continue to do stupid things without fear of consequences. The long-term personal, social and professional implications of your son growing up to be a poor decision maker are profound, negative and, I should think, obvious.
Making decisions is a skill that your preteen and/or teen son will need to learn in order to do well because the decisions he is making at this life stage can be life-altering – whether or not to: get a job, start smoking, use drugs, go to college, start dating or have sex. These are decisions that teens, and even some preteens are making every day. And they are decisions that your son will have to make for himself. Yes, you can counsel him and provide guidance, and you should, but in the end, he’ll have to make the decision.
| Parent: the first step is to prepare yourself. The initial phase is all about you. Are you ready to let your teen take over this decision that you have been making for him? Take some time to think about it. While it won’t happen all at once, there will be a time when it hits you that you aren’t always needed for all of his important decisions, or that you may not agree with the decision your teen made, yet the situation worked out fine without you. This can cause some melancholy feelings – and proud feelings too.Ceding decision-making to your son is an incremental process based on his age, maturity and decision-making history. It would be downright dangerous to give your son complete latitude in his decision-making. But you can begin to teach decision-making when he is very young. For example, you shouldn’t take your son into a convenience store and tell him he can have anything he wants. He would be overwhelmed by the choices. But you can give him a choice among jawbreakers, licorice and bubble gum (or, better yet, sesame sticks, fruit wraps and yogurt peanuts) and he could then decide which treat he wants.
As your son get older, expand the number of choices you give him. Then, increase the importance of the decisions he can make (e.g. what activities he chooses to participate in or when he decides to go to bed). With each decision, he should start to recognize and take responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. Also, retain veto power when needed, but use it judiciously. |
Special note: Readers are invited to tune in to Dr. Teal’s internet radio talk show. The link is www.kebnradio.com. 10 a.m. Saturday mornings CST. You’re also invited to visit www.untealthen.com
