Are You Raising One of the Next Generation of Hoodlums? Fostering Unselfishness

It is a fact that we’re all born selfish creatures. In fact, our initial selfishness no doubt contributes to our initial survival. Before we are born, we must take from our mothers what we need in order to survive and thrive. And this is acceptable selfishness. Unfortunately, we don’t just naturally become unselfish as we naturally grow and mature. Consequently, unselfishness must be fostered.

It does no good to scream and rant at your child, “Why are you so selfish?” The child is probably as baffled as you are regarding his selfish behavior. All he knows is that he wants what he wants when he wants it. He has not taken the time to analyze his selfish behavior. In fact, he probably has not even thought of himself as selfish.

In a recent column readers were reminded, “Help your son develop that little voice in his head to remind himself of the consequences of his choices.” That same little voice can assist him to become less selfish by reminding him when he is behaving in a selfish manner. And your son is much more likely to pay attention to the little voice that serves to remind him when his behavior is inappropriate if you have ongoing conversations with him regarding appropriate behavior, including behaving and responding unselfishly.

Becoming less self-centered, learning to feel with and for others, feeling empathy and tolerance are all targets at which to aim when fostering unselfishness. You want your son to develop sensitivity to needs of others.

A Harvard study showed a correlation between the amount of responsibility children have and their tendency to think of others. Consequently, a child with no responsibility may become spoiled and may begin to lose his sense of caring and concern (or may even fail to develop one). This should serve to make parents aware of the appropriateness of assuring that children are assigned responsibilities that are age appropriate during each stage of their development. A parent is not doing his or her child any favor by allowing a son or daughter to spend hours at home on the sofa channel surfing or engaged in other mindless activities.

Following are suggestions to assist individuals who are in the process of raising children to foster unselfishness:

• Praise: If you notice your child behaving unselfishly, heap praise on him to reward him. Let him know that what he is doing is a good thing.
• Assign responsibility: There is a definite correlation between the amount of responsibility children have and their tendency to think of others.
• Let your children know how the things they do make you feel. Be aware that your child wants to please you and is much more likely to do certain things when he knows that these things please you.
• Be willing to apologize. If you have made a mistake or were insensitive to your child, let your child know you are sorry for this.
• Encourage/require your child to apologize when he has been unkind or insensitive.
• Reward It is important and you should always compliment it.
• Accept that unselfishness does not come naturally. Becoming unselfish is a process that takes thinking and practicing and also requires a certain amount of maturity to develop.

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